System Failure: An Autoethnography of Stagnation
Emil Pasqualini | November 2025 - March 2026
CW: This entry discusses topics including chronic illness, the social security system, and mental health. It will be updated continuously.
1. The Deceptive Renaissance (Prelude)
Before the lights went out, they burned brighter than ever before.
My story is not one of a linear decline. Those who know me are aware of my long battle with depression. Many years and many medications passed without the desired breakthrough. But the summer of 2025 was different. Through radical work on myself, my psyche, and my identity, I managed to turn things around.
By summer 2025, I was, perhaps for the first time in my adult life, truly "present". Motivation, drive, joie de vivre, and a newfound self-love were all there. I was ready to tear down walls. The only warning signal: the insomnia remained, which I have known since my teenage years.
In retrospect, I view this phase as the final surge of an overloaded system. Perhaps I am a hyper-effective ADHD patient (which my psychiatrist suggested) who perfected the art of masking. Perhaps it was the inhumane pressure of the Bologna system, which tolerates no pauses in an engineering degree - and doing two degrees doubles it. Perhaps it was the energy expenditure of suppressing a queer identity for years. or I simply manoeuvred myself into burnout with two degrees and two jobs or it just came by itself, just because. Presumably, it was the sum of all parts. The hardware was running on overclocking just before the fuse blew.
2. The Trigger: SARS-CoV-2
At the end of October 2025, it caught me. A Corona infection. It was unspectacular. Two weeks of bed rest, the usual symptoms. Nothing that would appear in medical statistics as a "severe course". I waited to get healthy.
3. The Long Shadow (Long Covid / ME/CFS)
The feeling of being "ill" (fever, cough) vanished. But health did not return. What remained was a dense fog in my head ("brain fog") and physical exhaustion for which the word "tiredness" would be an insult. It is a gravity that presses one to the floor.
The walk to the tram became a marathon. Eventually, I stopped leaving the house altogether. I learned new vocabulary that dictated my life:
- Fatigue: A leaden heaviness that does not improve with sleep.
- PEM (Post-Exertional Malaise): The penalty for activity. If I do "too much" today (e.g., showering and cooking), my system crashes completely 24-48 hours later.
4. System Failure in Education
The winter semester of 2025/26 was effectively deleted. This reveals the first design flaw in the "University" system: there is no genuine sick leave for students. Since I was already enrolled, I could no longer apply for a leave of absence. The result is a void semester — a black hole in my CV that demands explanation.
The situation at work was even more grave. I was employed, but my body went on strike. I switched to "survival mode": home office, minimal effort, just enough not to get fired. This gnaws at one's self-image. I strive for excellence, yet I delivered mediocrity. I feared I was permanently damaging my reputation in academia. I thank my supervisors, who reacted with great understanding after a conversation (which I initiated far too late). Yet the fear remains: Am I now a "wild card"? A risk for any future employer?
5. The Diagnostic Odyssey
When "depression" is written in your medical records, every physical symptom is initially psychologised. Convincing my GP that this was not my psyche (which was, after all, stable!) was a battle. "You are just exhausted," "It is psychosomatic." It took persistence, lab tests, and countless appointments before the suspicion of ME/CFS was taken seriously.
The turning point came with an experimental medication: Low-Dose Naltrexone (LDN). Actually an antidote for opiate overdoses, in minimal doses it acts as an immune modulator and anti-inflammatory agent in the brain. It is no miracle cure, but it was the ladder out of the deepest hole. As of January 2026, I have climbed from 5% of my capacity back to approx. 50%. 50% is not enough for my old life, but it is enough to survive and to finally have some hope again.
6. The Phenomenology of Fatigue
The most profound difference to depression is the will. In my depression, my body could, but my mind would not. Everything was meaningless. With ME/CFS, it is exactly the opposite: My mind wants everything. I have ideas, I want to make music, conduct research, see friends. But the body pulls the plug.
It is a torture of a special kind to be chained to a bed while the mind forges plans. This time was more frustrating than any depressive episode, coupled with the existential fear: What if this never goes away?
7. Holes in the Social Safety Net
What burdens me most is not the illness itself, but the perspective. The Austrian social system prides itself on its security in cases of occupational disability. But this only applies if one has accumulated enough "contribution years". As a student, I fall through this grid. My promise to the state ("I am acquiring a high level of education so I can pay high taxes later") counts for nothing in the here and now.
If I were permanently unable to work, my only option would be Mindestsicherung (minimum benefits). In a time when it is politically opportune to play the lower classes against each other and cut social benefits below the poverty line, this is a death sentence in instalments. Minimum benefits mean poverty by definition: too little to live, too much to die. Then comes the stigma: "The lazy student," "studied and now lives off the state." No one sees the illness. They only see a young man who is not working.
8. Outlook: Hope
Today, I am gathering hope again. Social security has approved a six-week rehabilitation stay (Thank you, SV/BVAEB!). I am placing a lot of faith in this time. I hope that specialised therapies and pacing strategies will restore me to a point where I can not just exist, but live.
I am writing this because disabilities are often invisible. And because we must build systems — at university, at work, in the state — that also support those whose batteries are temporarily defective.
This entry will be updated continuously, as my energy permits.